Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
