I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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