Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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