I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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