She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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