Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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