jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
