1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
