She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
