Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
