I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
