false alarm. still invincible.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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