i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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