Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
