She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it was like eating out sand paper
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
