I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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