i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
