I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You were trust falling into bushes
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
