I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
