She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
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Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT