I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me