I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
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I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
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The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.