Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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