first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
