So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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