Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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