don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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