i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
