Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
