Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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