When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
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