I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
