Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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