I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
