Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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