He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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