hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
