He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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