Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
