You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
