You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
