The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
