I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Randomize
