A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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