I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
