Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
