Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
