based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
