he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
