first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
