We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
