Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
how drunk are you?
Several
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
