omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
