how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
