Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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