My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
