I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
