Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
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Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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