if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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