It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm passing your future prison.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
