i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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