Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
