my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
