you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
