I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
