Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
